


The Life of Keith Kogane

by lordness_monstaaa



Category: Voltron - Fandom, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Death, Grief, M/M, SHEITH - Freeform, Trigger words, klance, suicide warning, trigger warning, tw, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-02-01 16:43:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12708876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordness_monstaaa/pseuds/lordness_monstaaa
Summary: “I don’t know what to do, anymore. I think I love too hard. I don’t trust, and when I do, it goes to shit. I trust with all of my heart. When they leave, they take that trust and they shatter it. I can’t help but draw back at this point. It’s so hard to do this shit when it you’re alone. I’ve always been alone.”Keith Kogane had always been closed off. Closed off, but normal. As normal as a queer college student could be. He lived in a dorm, with his best friend. He had a boyfriend. People looked up to him.He hadn’t expected to suddenly be alone.Suddenly, he wasn’t doing well. No matter who he tried to confide in, he was alone.He felt alone.He decided alone was better.Everyone fucked up in their own way.Now he's gone.And you, dear reader, get to relive his life through the eyes of five very important keys to the story.)( Hi, yeah. I don't know if you realize, but there is a lot of bad things in here. Based around suicide, depression and those type of things. Major character death. Read with caution!  )





	1. Prologue - The funeral

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! If you didn't see in the summary, this story includes major character death, suicide, depression, etc. Please take extreme caution in reading, and don't continue on if any of these topics are too difficult for you to read. I hope you enjoy the story and the messages in it, and always feel welcome to comment!

I never thought that out of all possible funerals in my life, I’d find myself stood at this one. Well, alright, that’s a bit of a lie. Keith was an edgy guy, I bet everyone who’s ever met him thought at one point or another that he’d be the type of guy that would try something  like this. But it was always a joke. I never actually thought he would. 

 

I never thought I just suddenly wouldn’t have him in my life. I never thought that he actually  _ meant  _ something in my life, until he’s gone and I’m left here, shocked and pretty fucking hurt. 

 

He wouldn’t even  _ like _ this funeral. That fucking sucks, because it's the one thing I’m clinging to currently, the last memory I’ll make with him. He wouldn’t like it at all.  _ “There’s too many people crying.”  _ He’d say.  _ “It’s awkward and uncomfortable. Plus, the flowers are all white. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give two shits about flowers usually, but I mean, my colour is red. You hardly have to know me to know that. There's no red here, at all. I mean yeah, red is considered romantic or whatever, but who gives a shit on flower meanings? Kinda lame, if you ask me. Wanna head back to one of our dorms and watch a movie instead?”  _ And I can't help but laugh to myself. First, because I know him so well that I’m almost certain that he would’ve said exactly that. And second, because I know that I’d love to go see a movie instead of experience this bullshit. But I’d only like to go see a movie with him.  _ Only him _ . 

 

I think the worst part about all this bullshit is the world doesn’t  _ care _ . It’s like... I’m here, and I can’t function. I try to sit in class and listen to the lecture, but I can’t. There’s too much silence, even with the teacher speaking up at front. My mind wanders. It goes back to Keith.  _ Always Keith _ . All of  a sudden, I can feel that shitty feeling in my throat, my eyes are watering, and I’m having a breakdown right there in class. I hate it. Because sitting around me are other students. Students who also knew Keith.

Students who watched along with me as he stuck his hand in the air and lazily answered the teacher's questions like it was no big deal. 

Students who snickered as he sat there, passed out in his chair, as our teacher droned on. 

Students who gawked as he continued to get perfect grades.

 

Students who didn’t think twice the first time his seat was empty. 

 

Students who heard about what happened, and yeah, sure, thought “Wow, that kids dead.” but nothing else. 

 

_ Nothing else.  _

 

They weren’t the ones who crumpled when they got the news. They weren’t the ones who physically couldn’t speak because suddenly Keith Kogane was just  _ gone _ . They didn’t sob. They didn’t scream. They don’t sit up in bed and replay every single interaction that they had with him.

 

That was me.

 

Worst of all, they’re still living. 

 

Meanwhile, since i got the news, I can barely survive. 

  
  
  
  


I only know four other people that reacted the way I did. With actual grief. With actual  _ affection,  _ because they knew the dude. 

 

Those four people are here. Right now. In the same room as me, for this shitty funeral.  I’d say his family cared too, that they were in the room too, but again I’d be lying to you again. 

 

His family is gone. Dead, or just left him, I guess. 

 

I found this out awhile ago, but now it feels so real.

 

_ There’s nobody to tell me stories of him. His childhood. I want more memories of him _ . 

 

There’s not just five people in this room. There’s more, of course. A five person funeral would be pitiful. But they’re just more students. More students who come for the free food and more students that will live the next months of their life completely normally. 

 

There’s only five people here who actually are going to be affected. Five people who will continue to cry. Attend therapy maybe. Cling back desperately to the times they shared with him. To the times he was here and happy and more loved than he knew. 

 

There’s Keith’s ex boyfriend. A guy doesn’t seem comfortable in a room that seems so fragile. His face looks red and puffy.  He broke up with Keith weeks ago. I know he regrets it. I know he wishes he could take it all back, back to when they play fought on their bed only share little kisses in between each soft jab to the ribs. 

 

There’s my roommate. He hasn’t been the same since he found out. I can tell he blames it all on himself, even though he really did try his best. He wants to go back, so he could bake those cookies Keith loved and tell him how appreciated he was no matter how it felt. 

 

There’s Keith’s best friend. She’s crying. Nobody ever thought she was capable of tears. She always seemed so.. tough, in a way. Strong, constantly even a little pissed off. She and Keith were so close. But here she is. Fingers digging into her black dress that really doesn’t suit her as she sobs softly to herself. She desperately misses the times when she and Keith could lay on their couch for hours, watching a long playlist of conspiracy theories on their television and making their own little theories. 

 

There’s the girl that Keith’s ex went to after their break up. When I first saw her here, I was bitter. She was the one that got in his head the most. She held some grudge against him. A grudge I never quite found out. But I know how much she regrets it now. That she just wishes she could’ve apologized. She realizes now how good of friends they could’ve been. It’s too late now. He’s gone.

 

And there's me. I could argue to you that despite everyone that fills the room, I’m the one that is the most hurt by this. I’m the one that will think back on this years from now and still ache. I’m the one that won’t ever be in a relationship as stable or happy as I could have once been, because I’ll replay this funeral in my mind and I’ll remember that nothing is as good as he was. I’m the one that really was in love with Keith. I loved him, and I’ll never stop loving him. And I never even got to tell him. I never got to be the one he loved, because I’m a coward

 

And now he’s all gone.

He killed himself.

And I’ll have to live with this regret for the rest of my life.

  
  
  
  
  
  


There are five people in this room, that meant something to Keith. Five people that Keith dearly meant something to. Five people that the memories of Keith live on through. 

 

And today, you’ll get to experience these memories from each of these people.

 

You too will get to experience the life of Keith Kogane. 


	2. Chapter One - The Boyfriend

My name is Takashi Shirogane, or Shiro. 

 

I was Keith’s boyfriend. I was in love with everything about him. 

 

I found that falling in love with Keith wasn’t slow, then all at once, like how so many people describe love to be. It was a rush, an addiction to him. One moment, you’re laying eyes on this gorgeous boy, heat tingling every single ounce of your body, and then you’re in love. A quick flash of emotion.

 

That’s how I fell for the entirety of him.

 

With the way he’d gather his hair up in that tight ponytail that looked as if it were protruding from the back of his head right before he went out for a run. The way he’d say anything and everything that crossed his mind, no matter how harsh it seemed to anyone else. The look he got in his eyes when he looked at something he really, deeply cared about. 

 

I loved it all. 

 

I especially loved the last one. The way his eyes glimmered, like he had found a precious treasure of the earth. I loved when he gave me that look. 

 

I wish I could’ve seen it again in the last few months of his life. But I found that the more I saw that look, the less I found it being directed towards me. 

 

I loved him.

 

He didn’t love me. 

 

I say that not out of regret, or anger, but as a simple fact. 

 

He loved someone else. 

 

————————

 

It was autumn. The time when the leaves on the trees began to flutter down, in brilliant shades of orange, brown and green and crunched beneath my boots. 

 

The campus had a cozy feel to it, the sweet period in between the start of October and Halloween. The time when I could go to my apartment, curl up on the couch and have a horror movie marathon. I really liked this time of the year, because I got to spend a lot of it with Keith. 

 

There wasn’t copious amounts of school work just yet, just the perfect amount to give you some time to yourself. I took a lot of that time to go on dates.

 

It had been one of those days. 

 

“Keith, hey!” I saw him making his way down the pathway that lead to the bench I had been waiting at. I knew by now that he had just gotten out of classes, hence the backpack that hung loosely behind him.  He had headphones in, but they seemed to be turned down low enough that his eyes darted to me when I called out.

 

“Hey, Shiro.” He made his way over to me, an affectionate smile on his lips as he stood on his toes to press a soft kiss to my cheek. I couldn’t help but chuckle, wrapping an arm around his waist once he moved over to my side. He shot me a look, and I just smiled at him. 

“Sorry, I just think its cute that you’re so short.”

He scoffed, lightly smacking my arm. “Yeah, whatever.”

 

Looking back, I wish I could crawl back into the past just to relive times like that. Times when he would give me a sarcastic look, or just press up against me. Because it was natural. It was real affection. 

 

It was the genuine Keith. 

 

Really, it was the last real glimpse of Keith that I remember.. and I only reacted with a soft snort, brushing it off. 

“So, back to my place?”

 

I was met only with silence as a response, and it probably should’ve been a bit of a red flag.

“Keith?” When he still didn’t reply, I glanced down at him. I think I was just expecting him to be lost in a text he got, or bobbing his head along to his music, since he had a tendency to sporadically turn the music up when a song he particularly liked came on. 

Though, that’s not what I saw. Instead, I saw my boyfriend, blushing what would’ve been a cute shade of red if the scenario were different. My eyes followed his line of vision, to see what had captured his gaze, and I was met with the sight of a boy.

 

He was making his way out of the classroom, seemingly lost in the notebook he held. His skin was tan, similar shades to the brown hair that was cut pretty short. There were two things I found really stood out about him. First, the fact that his eyes were a bright blue, almost piercingly so. The second thing was his smile. It was bright and brilliant, lighting up his whole face in an effortless way as he skimmed through what I could only assume was the classes notes. 

 

In that moment, my heart just sank as I looked back at Keith.  _ I knew that look _ . I knew the way his cheeks flushed, and his eyes went wide in that way that was both infuriating and adorable. I knew that look so well because the very first time I shook his hand and introduced myself, I saw that same stupid look in his eyes. 

 

I think it was that autumn day that it really clicked that maybe the spark we once had was beginning to die. 

 

I tried to keep things alive after that, I really did. I stayed consistent in Keith’s life. I offered him support, and I cared for him in the ways I always had. 

 

He changed. 

 

Over the next few months, he grew more distant. He stopped talking to me, trying to reach out. When I did see him, things felt less affectionate. Colder. It was like whatever we had between us crumpled up and broke into a million pieces. 

 

I tried to fix it. Nothing worked. In the end, as much as I wanted to deny it, I felt I knew what it was. 

I knew he was in love with somebody else. At the time, I thought it killed our relationship. I was mad. 

 

When you look back on your past errors, it’s only human nature to think about what you would’ve done differently. When I look back, this is what I consider to be my biggest fault. Though I’m aware I didn’t know what I know now, I still wish I could take back what I said. What I did. 

I say this because I thought him being in love with somebody else was what ended our relationship, but in reality, I had only been partly right. 

 

I found out months later that at this same time, his mental health had dropped. Something that he had always struggled with crept back up on him. When I had noticed him getting colder, it was him getting sadder. Collapsing in on himself. 

 

I was too blind by jealousy to notice darkening circles under his eyes, or sleeves growing in length every day. 

 

_ I wish I would’ve noticed.  _

 

I didn’t. Instead, I focused on the days we saw the boy. I never failed to notice Keith’s eyes lingering on that skinny figure. I never failed to notice the ache in my chest, as I wondered what he had that I didn’t. 

  
  


It was a late winter night that we sat in my dorm room. Only a lamp was on, the shadows creeping across the room in ways that I have since seen in my nightmares. 

 

Keith was curled up on the chair in the corner of the room, eyes on the snowflakes that drifted past the window. There was only silence in the room, until I broke it with words so sudden they burned my throat. 

 

“I think we should break up.”

 

Dull eyes flickered up to me, blank for a few long moments, until it clicked in his mind that I wasn’t kidding. Horror slowly etched into his face.

 

The expression is burned into my mind. 

 

I stayed leaning against the wall beside my bed, waiting for him to say something. When he didn’t, I continued to speak. 

“Things between us have been.. Different. I just.. I think it would be right. It would be healthy for both of us.”

 

Keith made this noise in the back of his throat, like he had just been kicked. 

“Healthy?” 

“Yeah.” The room was dark, but I could see the tears brimming his eyes. “I’ve been noticing the way you look at.. Well, people, lately. I can’t help but think that if I do this, maybe you could be happier.”

 

He looked up at me, and I stared right back at him. I felt like I could throw up. 

When he spoke again, his voice trembled.

“Happy.. Happy, Shiro?” He scoffed, standing up abruptly. “Typical, just fucking typical.” I could only watch helplessly as he started to bunch up everything he had brought in his arms, his coat and headphones pressing against his chest. 

 

When he started to move towards the door, I stood up too. Without even thinking about it, I reached out and grabbed his arm, lightly pulling him back towards me. 

“Keith, wait. Please, let’s talk about it. Just talk to me.” 

 

At the time, it hurt the way he tensed up, arm going stiff like I burned him with my touch. It was like I was poison, and by touching him pain shot up his arm. 

In that moment, the room really did stand still. It was like someone had pressed pause, and we couldn’t move. I didn’t  _ want  _ to move, I just wanted to hold Keith there forever. I loved him, for fucks sake. 

 

That’s when I saw red staining through the white sleeve of the sweater he wore, seeping out from the covered arm I still held. 

 

It didn’t even register to me at the time that it was blood. I had no idea what I was seeing. I know now it was blood.  _ It had to be blood.  _

 

Then, he was yanking his arm away, clutching it to his chest as he looked back at me. There were tears dripping down pale, blotchy cheeks, and dark circles under pain filled eyes. 

 

The last words Keith Kogane ever spoke to me were so weak, I barely caught them. 

“I can’t. I love you, Shiro, but I really can’t. I’m so sorry.” 

 

And then he was gone. 

 

Despite what I saw that night, I didn’t follow him.

Today, I wish I had. I wished I could have chased him, pulled him in my arms and kissed him until he sobbed into my chest and fell asleep. 

I would’ve listened. I would’ve listened to it all.

 

But now I can’t. 

 

That was the last time I ever saw Keith Kogane alive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! Thanks so much for reading the first actual chapter. A lot has happened between updates, but really I can only hope to start updating more frequently. Feel free to leave any comment, I always read them!


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